Hey, so I've been brainstorming a new story idea and I need some opinions on the intro I wrote for it
Just give it a quick read and tell me if what you think. I'm having some troubles with it (its like the third attempt I've made to get this right) and I'd like to know if you think it's attention-grabbing enough, or whatever. Any and all critisism is welcome so don't be shy about pointing out any mistakes haha
The Zodiac Project: (Intro version 3)
My first memory is of waking up for the first time. Vision came slowly as my eyes opened. The blurry sight was accompanied by a small sting in both of my eyes. I wanted to try to rub away the pain, but my limbs wouldn’t move. Nothing would move really. My body felt as if it had been coated in lead. I couldn’t feel anything except for the pain digging into my eyeballs.
For the time being I put that problem aside. I focused on the irritation in my eyes and the limited vision I’d been granted.
Everything looked green.
I could make out a few shapes in the blurry mass of color but I couldn’t tell what I was seeing.
So I waited. I let my eyes open wider. While this increased the amount of sting I felt, it also made the shapes a little clearer. I was looking at some sort of cylindrical tube. It was hooked up to machines via large darker-green tubes that sprouted from the top of the cylinder. My vision focused a little more and eventually I realized that there was a body floating inside of the large tank. More tubes connected the top of the cylinder to the body, though these tubes were much smaller. One was enclosed in the body’s mouth while another stuck into a hole in its arm.
The body’s head was bald, and its skin was tinted green as well. I couldn’t make out much detail considering it was about thirty feet away from me, but the body looked young. Adolescent. The oldest it could be was fourteen.
I wondered why it was in that tube. Was it dead? Was it in the process of healing?
And then I noticed that on either side of the cylinder directly across from me there were identical cylinders, each with their own floating bodies.
What was going on here? What was this place? Why was I in the midst of all this?
It was quite a while before I got any answers.
I would float in and out of consciousness. Sometimes there were men walking about between the occupied cylinders, writing down notes with their styluses on thin handheld screens. Sometimes these men would come up to me and talk amongst themselves. Their lips moved but I never heard their voices.
I hadn’t gained any ability to move, so I couldn’t look down at myself, but I’d deduced that I was also a body floating in a tank just like the ones I saw. There was no way to tell how many of us there were but I knew that there had to be at least six. If there were three in a row directly across from me, then it was reasonable to guess that there were also cylinders to both sides of me as well. My opposite probably had the exact same view as I did, assuming it could open its eyes too. I wasn’t able to tell considering it was obscured by two layers of glass and thirty feet of distance.
I often wondered if I had been anyone before becoming a floating body in a tank, but I remembered nothing except for my first awakening. As far as I knew, I was no one, and neither were the other bodies. We were all just inhabitants of the tanks filled with green liquid. I questioned my intelligence when I realized how long it took me to figure out that all the green that I saw was due to this mystery liquid – I had gone for at least ten bouts of consciousness before I understood that the world wasn’t just naturally tinted green.
Since that first awakening, I was very particular to count how many times I woke from sleep – though, calling it unconsciousness felt more accurate seeing as how I never had any dreams while not awake. I got to forty-six before anything changed.
When I woke up for the forty-sixth time, I saw many men and women in dark grey lab coats walking between the rows of body-inhabited cylinders. There must have been well over thirty people walking from cylinder to cylinder with their electronic tablets and styluses, constantly recording data and conversing amongst themselves. I had tried to teach myself to read their lips whenever they came up to my tank, but it was really a miracle I knew any words at all. Considering that I had words for many things that I might have been seeing for the first time, I wondered for the billionth time if maybe I used to be someone – surely someone who was a no one wouldn’t know so many words…
I watched the thirty or so people scurry about the room with the tanks, and the word “preparations” came to mind. Were they preparing for something? Was something going to happen?
It was hard for me to guess. I had no idea who I was, or what was being done to me and the others while we were in these tubes. I thought that maybe I was recovering from something – like a fatal injury – but that seemed to be one of the nicer possibilities for why we were there.
And then, I fell asleep
and the forty-seventh time I opened my eyes, things were no longer green.
I woke up gasping for breath. Everything was bright and white and I found myself panicking because the familiar dull green color that I had learned to associate with the world was now missing. New things were suddenly flooding my senses.
Sounds were everywhere. Voices. Beeping. Footsteps. Hearing my own breaths rattling around in my lungs was scary – I didn’t know I could make noises like that.
Movement and touch. I could feel my fingers as they curled up, my hands as they balled into fists and came automatically to my chest to make sure that I could breathe. I could feel the air on my wet skin and the ripples that went down my spine because of the chill sensation that arose because of it. I could suddenly feel my body – move my body. I was in control of my limbs and torso and not just my eyes. The simple motion of turning my head side to side would still feel strange to me weeks after my rebirth into the world.
But seeing everything without that comfortable blanket of green that had surrounded me was what terrified me the most. People in dark grey lab coats were crowded around me, all speaking to each other and to me, but they were too close. I was lying on the grated floor of my tank, curled up and leaning against the back of it, but the front of my tank was suddenly opened – the thick glass, which had appeared seamless had suddenly slid upwards, creating a doorway tall enough for a person to walk through. One of the people surrounding me had done just that and had crouched down right in front of me.
He was in my territory – closer to me than anyone had ever been (as far as I remembered). He reached out, his hand coming towards my neck.
Instantaneously I felt the blood in my veins pulse faster through my body. My heartbeat sped up as well. Before I knew what was going on, or even what the man was trying to do to me, my balled up fist shot out from its place against my chest and hit the guy’s right eye.
I felt the warmth of his skin as my fist collided with his face. I felt the bone lying just beneath the skin that surrounded his eye. I saw the man tip backwards from his crouching position and fall onto his rear. The others around us made varying sounds. I heard gasps, shouts, questioning tones, quieter voices mixed in with louder ones. Everything was blurring together. Sights, sounds, sensations. My senses were overloading. I felt my body get heavier somehow, and my arm which had extended to connect with the man’s face dropped down. My fingers uncurled and I slumped against the glass once again. My eyelids were getting heavier as well and as I stared forward, through some chance, my gaze was met by another pair of eyes that looked just as frightened and panicked as I felt.
Through the legs and bodies of the people around me, I could see directly across the room to the body in the tank that was opposite mine. With the dull green color no longer obscuring him from view, I could actually see his eyes – and they happened to be looking at me.
They were blue – a very vibrant blue that would stick in my mind through countless bouts of unconsciousness – and they belonged to the body I had spent forty-six days staring at. Looking to him, and seeing him staring back at me felt oddly comforting.
I didn’t know why.
Maybe he, like the green liquid that I had been contained in for so long, had become something familiar to me: part of the scenery that made up my small world. I kept my eyes trained on him until my eyelids grew too heavy to keep open.
So if you picked this book up in the library or whatever and just read that little snippet, would it be enough to make you want to read more? Any comments, or criticisms welcome lol thanks